i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
