Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
