is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
