did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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