update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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