I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
