What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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