i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
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