So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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