I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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