I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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