Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Randomize
