Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
