Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
