I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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