At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
