I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
we're so committed to being not committed
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
