I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
