I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
