Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
