take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
