You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I'm sobbing to NWA
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
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