Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
