I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
