Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
