Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
