EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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