I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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