I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
