if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Terrible idea I love it
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
