So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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