I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
