why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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