I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
