i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
