No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
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