Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
