i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
