I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
