from now on my penis is your penis
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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