Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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