Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
