Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
