i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Randomize
