I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
