apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
