i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
