YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
