I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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