The maid of honor just puked.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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