My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
there is glitter all over my balls
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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