It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
